Thursday, 6 October 2016
Hi my names Amy and I have bpd.
I've wanted to write a post about this for a while but have never had the confidence to do so. It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that I realised just how important it is to talk about mental health, especially issues that have a bad rep or are less common and less understood. From time to time I post images on my twitter to explain how I'm feeling, normally in the middle of the night so no one takes any notice but for some reason it makes me feel a bit better that I've got how I feel out even though I am conflicted in wanting people to know what I have and not. On this occasion someone actually took note of an image I had posted (said image is above, hours are spent searching Pinterest when I'm having a particularly bad night) and said 'I feel you I have the same and we are stronger for it' and I just thought wow finally someone else I actually know has the same as me, I'm really not the only one and she's right we are stronger for it.
So bpd is borderline personality disorder and for me personally I am high functioning as I am able to go to work all be it not consistently full time (I'm on a part time contact and take on varying amounts of over time depending on how I'm feeling) and I'm able to wash my hair, get out of bed and get dressed (all be it challenging at times) and it generally goes undetected that anything is actually wrong or I like to think so. So how does having bpd make me feel... Imagine someone gives you a weird look (for me this could be entirely made up and actually they may have just been finishing a yawn or whatever) and feeling like they've just told you to go fuck yourself, that's kinda how I feel about everything. I may give someone a present and they say they like it, that's a good thing right, but for me I think well they've only said they liked it not it's amazing and the best present they've ever had they must think it's shit and I literally feel like I've been punched in the throat. I can be unreasonably angry at someone because they've moved my bag even though it was my fault for leaving it on the table and they only hung it on a door handle about a foot away! Most of the time I internalise all this angry annoyance and upset and eventually I will snap but at the people I love most who are only trying to help. I'm constantly questioning whether I'm acting reasonably or not.
When something good happens I get extremely overly happy, I could of just found a pound in my jeans pocket but I'm fucking buzzing about it or I managed to get to the dump or bank before it closed or I've got lots done or brought a bargain and then I get annoyed that people aren't as happy about it as me like duh it's only the dump Amy, chill. I'm so eager not to offend anyone 9 times out of 10 I say yes to things I don't want to do like over time at work or eating at a certain restaurant even though I don't like the food ect, spending so much time doing stuff you don't want to do just so you don't upset anyone kinda sucks and then I harbour resentment when all the time I've had this narrative in my head and whoever I'm with is none the wiser but by this point I'm probably acting like an irritated dick. When I'm happy I'm happy on another level, I will dance in the middle of the shop floor, make jokes and feel completely elated which you would think would be amazing but from feeling so good to feeling paranoid about whether I've offended someone with a joke I've said can be an emotional
Unlike bipolar my 'happy' episodes can last between an hour to a day or being extremely elated and then feeling up may last a few days and like wise my 'low' episodes may last a few days to a few weeks instead of a longer period of time like bipolar so it's very up down up down with only some time in between. It's hard to explain to someone how you are feeling when one minute I could be fine and the next I could be absolutely fuming or elated, my head it's like a whirlwind. I think yes I feel good I got this to no no no I want to hibernate today. It can sometimes be extremely hard to be motivated to even get out of bed and do general day to day things like washing my clothes or making the effort to make dinner and not just eat shit but at the same time I can have a run of days where I get so much done. I find myself constantly lying about when I've actually got out of bed because I constantly feel judged for being lazy when actually I'm just struggling and if I had the energy and motivation to get up and get stuff done, I so would!
I might be asked what's wrong and if I reply with someone moved the salt and I couldn't find it and I'm acting like someone has just slashed my tires, it makes me ilook bat shit cray. All the time I'm wondering have I annoyed someone when I've not done anything or I probably didn't talk loud enough but I can't help thinking no they hate me yada yada which is really bloody annoying as it's not acting rationally the majority of the time and getting myself upset for no reason and having to ask my sister am I in the right should I be annoyed?
Basically what I guess I'm trying to say is, if you know someone with bpd please bare this in mind as personally for me this is how I feel and I'm sure those with bpd will relate. Please know I'm not intentionally acting out, it's just something that's gone pear shape in my brain I can't control and truly wish I could and I don't intentionally mean to get angry and act unreasonably, it genuinely feels like I have been truly wronged even if rationally I haven't and I truly believe in the moment people should feel just as elated as me and feel wronged when they don't. Most importantly I don't choose to be this way and I'm fighting every day to overcome my emotions and act and react in a reasonable way. It may not even be remotely obvious there is anything wrong and for me that is because I am extremely good at internalising my feelings but that is extremely damaging to me and damaging to my family when I do finally snap. Please even if you can't understand bpd, don't belittle it because for many it is a constant conflict going on in their minds and a small bit of support can make an amazing difference. If your feelings are hurt by someone that has acted out please know, that I and I'm sure others beat themselves up enough and will eventually realise we were in the wrong be it a minute later or a few hours, especially if I'm snappy at my mum I always feel like absolute shit and make sure I apologise but luckily for me my mum is amazing and understands I don't choose to be a dick and because I love her I let my guard down more. There are other things that are huge factors for me personally and most likely others that I don't feel comfortable talking about at the moment but maybe one day! If you have any questions or want to react out just spend me a message on Twitter or email me (it's in the side bar) and I will be happy to start a conversation.
I wish other people could be as understanding as my mum but alas the stigma is still strong with depression, so trying to get people to understand something that is talked about even less feels like an impossible task. Basically just be kind to people because you don't know what is going on behind closed doors. I wish I felt comfortable enough to say no I don't want to do this today because I am having trouble with my mental health but alas that just doesn't seem to be acceptable so I just do what I don't want to yet again. Hopefully one day we can all be respectful enough to one another to be freely able to talk about mental health in a way that isn't damaging or belittling.
So hi 👋🏻 my names Amy and I have bpd.
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